The thing is...

You see the thing is...

The thing is that despite what we like to believe or what we have convinced ourselves to be true, life isn't in our control. Sure the small things, the mundane tasks of every day are influenced by our choices but at the end of the day we are just lucky characters in someone else's story. I use to really like the quote, “it's never too late to live the life you always thought you'd live.” I like the idea of fresh starts, achieving your dreams, so on and so forth. However, as I grow older I am realizing that so much is beyond my control. For instance? For instance, the fact that I was diagnosed with secondary infertility is beyond my control. Secondary what? Yeah, that is essentially how I felt when I heard the term used to describe our little predicament. Turns out sometimes women, for whatever reason, have trouble or may never conceive again after having a totally normal pregnancy. Daniel and I were branded with the term or our Scarlett Letter “I” a couple weeks ago. I cried.

Today I feel better. In fact, every day is a little better knowing that I can just breathe and let go of the loss and embrace what I have. But as I have mentioned before and as I am soon not to let you forget, my family feels incomplete. I have developed a bitterness within me that makes me bah-humbug at those people around me glowing with pregnancy announcements and new baby arrivals. Why can't life just go according to plan? I tell myself that I am young and how dare they call me infertile? What do they know? I've convinced myself that they, of course, know nothing as I hear denial is the first stage of grief. I hope to move into the acceptance, “they know everything and I am doomed” stage soon but, for now, da-Nile is bliss and i'll swim in my river for a little while longer.

Please don't get me wrong; somewhere deep behind my green with envy spirit, my selfish little heart, and my negative exterior attitude I am HAPPY for those around me expecting. I just needed a venue to complain, an outlet to announce to the world that I feel cheated. It is not personal so stop taking it that way... I just feel like I need a space to word vomit so that I don't actually vomit, shut the world out, and ignore the inevitable. And I know you are sitting there in your judgey brain thinking, “can't you be grateful you at least have one? Some people don't even have one.” Well, I say to you PISS OFF. Of course I am grateful for my beautiful baby boy. In fact, he is so amazingly perfect that if I could only have one kid I am heart-burstingly THANKFUL I was blessed with such a wonderful kid! But that doesn't mend the yearning that I feel to bless my family with more children. To give Rushton a constant friend and companion, to bring the sound of more laughter and wonder into our home. To give to my husband what I promised when I became his wife; to bless his life with as many children as he desired. I feel like a failure as a woman.

But alas, I tell myself that this too shall pass. And I know it will. Please don't pity me, that's not what this is about. But more of an awareness for myself... to verbalize that it's okay to hurt despite my blessings. This lesson is for everyone to learn; it is in our nature to want more for ourselves and that is OKAY! But we must press through the sludge that is sometimes our life and be thankful every bit of the way for the accomplishments and blessings. We need to be more mindful of others and their struggles. We need to be able to say without judgment how we feel and ask those to (on occasion) be selfless, listen, and be our strength. For sometimes, when you realize that you will never get to live the life you thought you should live; your heart breaks and love is all you need.

Sending this with LOVE and HUGS to all those with struggles beyond their control,

Laura