the leaves are-a-changin'

Ahhhhh, smell that? That is the smell of autumn! It is officially fall (as of Friday) and I am officially 10 times happier than the rest of the year. I can't help it, this time of year always brings out the best in me. Maybe it's the sweet aroma of pumpkin spice? Or maybe its the changing of leaves or the cool mountain air? Or maybe it's knowing that October always marks another successful year of marriage? I don't know the exact reason, maybe all of them. Regardless, it makes my soul so full of love and happiness.

There is one thing about this time of year that I absolutely love and that is pulling out boxes of holiday decorations. Daniel and I always argue about when to take them out because it requires him to dig through our spider infested storage shed. Whichhhhhhh he obviously hates. I would take them out on September 1st if he would let me but typically he can convince me to wait until the end of September to actually get them ALL out. There is one teensy-tiny problem with this method... as a result of having to wait, I find myself picking up little things to put out NOW until we get out my already owned decor. This is clearly not a problem in my world but in Daniel's world and my storage shed's world, this is a HUGE problem. My collection has grown to rather epic proportions and, unfortunately, my house lacks the space for it all. I'm trying to be better but the little ginger witch in me wants to add and add AND ADD!!

Whats the solution? I don't know. You tell me? I am too busy enjoying my little nic-nacs I've collected along the way. Or "crooks and nannies" as Daniel so fondly likes to say. Dork. How are you decorating this year? Any ideas of your own?







I am constantly browsing the web for cute homemade decorative ideas. This one I found through my blog stalking (see it pays to stalk)! So easy and so cheap. All it is is two vases, two votive holders (came as a pack of 2), votives, and a bag of candy corn! All from the dollar store! Look how adorable. And add that up... yup, $5! I already had candles so that was $4 for me!! They are now in my front window flanking my owl! I love benefiting from someone elses creativity.


Alright, I am going to go but share your fall ideas and recipes with me! You'll only add to my happiness which, common, wouldn't that just make your day? It would certainly make mine! Wink!
-Laura

PS: Funny store. I am at the dollar store today and I am in a GREAT mood. I am walking the isles with no particular place to go but suddenly I am trapped. A lady looking at glasses is blocking my way through... by just a hair.
Me: "Excuse me, would you mind if I squeezed past you please?"
Lady: "Uh, I'll try" (moves cart a couple inches, I squeeze pass).
Lady:"You know these isles go both ways."
Me: "I am sorry it was such an inconvenience that I asked you to squeeze by."
Lady: "Well... it was."

What are we coming to these days people? Show a little love. It is NOT that hard. I am telling myself she was having a not-so-good, very bad day. So I just laughed and said, "okay." She definitely put a funk in my day though. I almost stopped shopping. I am so glad I didn't though... I found a pair of jeans at Old Navy for 36cents!! HOLY SCORE!! So anyway... laugh a little and stop taking life so seriously, just for today (or even just this moment while you read this).

my big beautiful boy

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Bitter of Dead

There is an old Turkish Proverb that goes something like this...
"Patience is bitter but it bears sweet fruit."

I am reminded of this quote today as lately I have found myself to be bitter and dare I say a little impatient (wink). When did I turn into such a cynic about life? I find myself always wishing, wanting, and desiring... never quite being still enough to enjoy what is mine already. The important thing for you to remember is that I am not unappreciative. I love my family. Have you met my husband, Daniel? He is amazing. He is one of those people that everybody loves. I wish I were exaggerating but it borderlines atrocious how much people adore him. Rushton, he is the light in my life. Yes we have our "moments" so-to-say but at the end of the day I have no idea how I lived a single moment without him. He is my world. I have an amazing job, I own a home, I can pay my bills, I have clothes on my back, and food in my belly and I am so thankful to God everyday for the blessings in my life.

And yet I yearn for more for my life. I let my inpatience get the best of me. Instead of sitting back and enjoying the ride, I want to jump in the driver's seat and make all the decisions. And deep down, don't we all want to be in control? Because if we aren't in control we are vulnerable to disappointment. I hate being disappointed.

But life is a funny thing as I have mentioned before and God has an interesting way of determining which direction your life goes. And tonight, I have never been more grateful. As I sit at work I find myself doing what I often do to pass the 3am lull, which is to blog stalk. HEY YOU, put away your judging eyes and your whispers. Anyone in the blog world stalks... I just stalk a little... kind of. Okay! ALOT but whatever ;o) The point is I stumbled across a blog post about desires. And basically this blog talked about how our desires can transform into obessions when we let our impatience get in the way of God's plan. "Humm" I think to myself, this sounds like someone I know but I can't quite put my finger on it.

Oh sh*t, it's me.

And here is the truth for you to read. My heart was broken... shattered when Daniel and I lost our baby in April. I am really tired of people telling me, "well at least it was early." As if it should hurt less or as if it makes it less significant. My life is filled with constant reminders of what I lost. But as my heart heals, I find that my desire to expand our family has grown. However, what I didn't realize along the way is that I let my desire transcend into an obession. And the more impatient I became, the more bitter I felt. Why us? Why them? Why not? How long? Tell me, I angerly ask God, demanding answers as if I deserved one. Today I looked at my schedule and I work on our babies birthday, 11-11-11... I wanted to cry. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it was the idea that somehow this very special day was going to be like any other. Go to work, do my job, go home... nothing missed. No sweet new baby kisses. No gazing into the eyes of our new baby. No explaining to Rushton that he is now a big brother. No smelling the sweet scent of a baby or whispering "I love you's" into that soft baby cheek. I will work and life will go on and my heart will break again. I am so sad about this that I cry, even now at work, hoping that no one notices...

But I learned tonight that I do have the answers to all of my questions. The answer is to believe. To have faith that everything in this life is meant to be. That His plan for me will be better than any I could have hoped for myself. I do not understand why Heavenly Father needed our baby then but I understand now that it must have been important. That our baby must have been apart of a bigger plan. And that a new baby will grace our lives when He sees fit and I feel comfort knowing that it will be at the right time, in the right way. Does my heart feel mended? Not entirely and I am learning that that is okay. But understanding tonight what I have failed to understand these past 5months makes tomorrow seem a little better and I am forever grateful for that. I am forever grateful that Heavenly Father is in the drivers seat and I can breathe a little better knowing that I can enjoy the ride.

good night readers... oh and blog stalkers, *wink!
-laura

life, liberty, and the pursuit of peace and quiet.

Motherhood is such a funny thing. One day you feel like the Michael Jordan of mothers. You've conquered, for that day, the job that so often leaves a woman scratching her head asking, "how the hell did that just happen?" Some days you master the perfect funny faces, you smell the stink diaper across the room, you've cooked the chicken nuggets ever so splendidly, you've become the dream mom. You've become the mom you read about in the parenting books that have the best read lives... or do they?

Anyway, today is not a Michael Jordan sort of day... it's not even a Shaq kind of day... it's more like, humm... bench of the HS basketball team sort of day. These days are equally as important as the good days and for this reason I am airing my dirty laundry for you to read and judge (and maybe understand) the life of a mother. The real life. I think all mothers have these days. You know, the one they don't REALLY talk about in the parenting books for fear they may be reported to CPS. And if you haven't found yourself meeting face-to-face with this day, just know it is around the corner and you will wish it hadn't come as much as the next mom. What am I talking about? Let me tell you...

Today started like any other day. We woke up around 7 this morning and dad had already made breakfast. Eggs, bacon, and sliced banana. An Opfel favorite. Rushton eats a few bites (he eats better than most kids) and then feeds the dogs by throwing the rest of the food on the floor. Breathe, I tell myself. Dad left for school and we watch backyardigans while getting ready for the day and picking up our breakfast mess. We load up into the car around 9. And I really mean "load up" as you turn into a sack of potatoes when you realize we are no longer going outside to play but rather to get in the car to run errands. Target is a success. With your own bag of popcorn you willingly walk the isles with mama telling her all sorts of interesting things. "mama, baby" (points at picture of baby). "Ma, poopoo" (points at baby again)... we discuss how babies and poopoo are not the same.---> tender moments like these get me through the rest of our afternoon.

After Target I take my well behaved baby to the park. I ask you, "do you want to swing?"... and you sweetly reply, "I do." And we swing. We laugh. I am Michael Jordan. It's getting late so mom tells you we have to go home, time to say bye-bye to the park. Insert melt down #1. You are now screaming at the top of your lungs at the park. You will not walk. In fact, in lieu of walking you are kicking the earth and head butting the ground. I embarrassingly scoop you up and take you to the car while you are repeatedly head butting me in the face. You are now in the car seat and I am taking 10seconds outside the car before I get in. You cry most the drive home. I can physically feel my blood pressure rising... one point... two points...dare I say 20points? Probably not too far from the truth. We finally get home.

You happily get out of your seat when you see our dog in the window (who has broken our blinds... lovely). Wait, you are screaming and crying again. I'm confused? What happened? It can't be... no... Break down #2? Why yes it is. You have hit your head on the car door and have run away in anger. I chase you to try and "fix" your booboo but you are no fool. You know mom telling you "it's okay," in fact, does not make things okay. Smart child. You start throwing your body back, screaming, I can feel the neighbors peering out their windows. You head butt me in the face again. This time I am mad. I LIGHTLY swat your butt and tell you no more. You crumble in the door way into our house. I step around you to put the bags in the house and swoop you up again.

And that's when it happened. I almost didn't get it at first. I don't know how long you were there doing it but I can tell you it took about 5 WHOLE seconds for me to react. YOU WERE BITING ME! For the first time ever your little rabbit teeth were clenching the inner portion of my upper arm. I was stunned. I think our eyes may have locked and we may have been in a Texas wild west show down at that very moment. I screamed, you weren't letting go. I pinch your cheeks and finally you release. Now what happens next happened whether I chose to tell you or not. I am not proud. But these are the very real moments of motherhood that we tend to skimp over when gushing to our newly pregnant friend about how MARVELOUS being a mother is. I spanked my sons butt... pretty hard. I did it before I even had time to think. I spanked him and carried him to his crib and shut the door. I was fuming. He was crying. It was horrible. Horrible. I felt awful for what I had done. He is a kid and I know better. He was reacting and so was I; neither of us were right. I quickly opened the door again, he stood up and put his arms around me. We both cried. I said I was sorry and kissed him at least 50times. He never let go of me. Not once. I made him a bottle and rocked him in my arms. I think both our eyes and hearts softened. So this is motherhood?

This is motherhood. Sometimes it's messy. We often don't know what we are doing. The days we are Michael Jordan are awesome but I think it's how we react on our HS basketball team day's that define us... as a woman... as a mother. We all make snap judgements, bad decisions, but we own up to our behaviors, we say we are sorry, and we hope to be better tomorrow. Rushton and I are both NOT HURT. My ego is a little bruised... and my arm has a nice little trophy on it but we'll both survive. I hope this story has made you realize that motherhood is not all dress up, trips to park, quiet happy babies that sleep on time and eat all their vegetables. As long as you have love, forgiveness, and understanding in your heart- you will always be the Michael Jordan to your little guy. At least, that's what I am telling myself to get through the rest of today. Now for a bath and a little peace and quiet.

-Laura
Oh, and here is a picture of the bite. Why? Because despite how horribly it hurts, it is kind of cool...

cheese

rushton learned to say cheese for the camera and it melts my heart.
how was I ever without him?


And just for the record; these feet have magic healing powers when you bite them. especially if dirt covered. nom nom.