"Patience is bitter but it bears sweet fruit."
I am reminded of this quote today as lately I have found myself to be bitter and dare I say a little impatient (wink). When did I turn into such a cynic about life? I find myself always wishing, wanting, and desiring... never quite being still enough to enjoy what is mine already. The important thing for you to remember is that I am not unappreciative. I love my family. Have you met my husband, Daniel? He is amazing. He is one of those people that everybody loves. I wish I were exaggerating but it borderlines atrocious how much people adore him. Rushton, he is the light in my life. Yes we have our "moments" so-to-say but at the end of the day I have no idea how I lived a single moment without him. He is my world. I have an amazing job, I own a home, I can pay my bills, I have clothes on my back, and food in my belly and I am so thankful to God everyday for the blessings in my life.
And yet I yearn for more for my life. I let my inpatience get the best of me. Instead of sitting back and enjoying the ride, I want to jump in the driver's seat and make all the decisions. And deep down, don't we all want to be in control? Because if we aren't in control we are vulnerable to disappointment. I hate being disappointed.
But life is a funny thing as I have mentioned before and God has an interesting way of determining which direction your life goes. And tonight, I have never been more grateful. As I sit at work I find myself doing what I often do to pass the 3am lull, which is to blog stalk. HEY YOU, put away your judging eyes and your whispers. Anyone in the blog world stalks... I just stalk a little... kind of. Okay! ALOT but whatever ;o) The point is I stumbled across a blog post about desires. And basically this blog talked about how our desires can transform into obessions when we let our impatience get in the way of God's plan. "Humm" I think to myself, this sounds like someone I know but I can't quite put my finger on it.
Oh sh*t, it's me.
And here is the truth for you to read. My heart was broken... shattered when Daniel and I lost our baby in April. I am really tired of people telling me, "well at least it was early." As if it should hurt less or as if it makes it less significant. My life is filled with constant reminders of what I lost. But as my heart heals, I find that my desire to expand our family has grown. However, what I didn't realize along the way is that I let my desire transcend into an obession. And the more impatient I became, the more bitter I felt. Why us? Why them? Why not? How long? Tell me, I angerly ask God, demanding answers as if I deserved one. Today I looked at my schedule and I work on our babies birthday, 11-11-11... I wanted to cry. I couldn't tell you why. Maybe it was the idea that somehow this very special day was going to be like any other. Go to work, do my job, go home... nothing missed. No sweet new baby kisses. No gazing into the eyes of our new baby. No explaining to Rushton that he is now a big brother. No smelling the sweet scent of a baby or whispering "I love you's" into that soft baby cheek. I will work and life will go on and my heart will break again. I am so sad about this that I cry, even now at work, hoping that no one notices...
But I learned tonight that I do have the answers to all of my questions. The answer is to believe. To have faith that everything in this life is meant to be. That His plan for me will be better than any I could have hoped for myself. I do not understand why Heavenly Father needed our baby then but I understand now that it must have been important. That our baby must have been apart of a bigger plan. And that a new baby will grace our lives when He sees fit and I feel comfort knowing that it will be at the right time, in the right way. Does my heart feel mended? Not entirely and I am learning that that is okay. But understanding tonight what I have failed to understand these past 5months makes tomorrow seem a little better and I am forever grateful for that. I am forever grateful that Heavenly Father is in the drivers seat and I can breathe a little better knowing that I can enjoy the ride.
good night readers... oh and blog stalkers, *wink!
-laura
3 comments:
I'm totally a blog stalker! And I loved this post. I love how honest you are in your writing. Thank you for helping me remember to not take my family for granted. I really admire your strength and your faith. I hope you can grow your family soon!! Miss you!
I love your blog because you are so honest. And truth is what makes writing so powerful. I don't know if you have seen these pages on facebook,I found them a few months ago and while they were founded by a woman who lost her her baby and became a grief counselor, since Hannah passed away in February I have found a little comfort and hope from her posts and less alone because everyone that posts has been through a loss of someone they love. Whether it's an unborn child like the woman who started it and many women on there, or siblings, children, parents, friends, etc. Maybe you will find something in them.
https://www.facebook.com/drjoannec
https://www.facebook.com/missfoundation
If you ever want to talk, I'm here.
You are truly a great writer Laura. (im sure you have been told this many-a -times) I am proud of you for expressing your thoughts. I wish I were brave enough :) You have so much love to offer and I am so sad for you still. You dont ever have to get over it... and What a beautiful day when you get to hold her/him in heaven. xxoo
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